I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
