I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
