Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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