I met the friendliest cop last night
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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