When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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