Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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