Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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