A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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