i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
