I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
