I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
