threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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