is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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