Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
