I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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