Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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