I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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