im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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