Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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