that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
