I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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