i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
