So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
