My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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