She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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