She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
