I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
