You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
it was like having sex with a tree stump
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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