Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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