Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
