could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
