I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
time to smoke my breakfast
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
