got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
