between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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