hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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