Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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