She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
