omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Randomize
