Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
In America we eat man semen.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
