If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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