you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
