Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
