Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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