I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
