why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
This house was built for laser tag.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
