It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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