I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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