pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Pooping to opera.
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