...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
