i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
